My liver just broke up with me...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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