She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
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You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
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I want to be your penis for a week.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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