OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
