Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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