addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
