Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
