the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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