Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
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Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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