Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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