So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Pooping to opera.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
