Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
