But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
