Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
