I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
