Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
