i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
