So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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