there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She's the barista slut.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.