I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.