you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
