He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
