stop calling my apartment porn island.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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