OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
