she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
