I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I could fuck to npr.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
