drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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