So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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