this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
