I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
