Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize