Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
