i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
