i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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