well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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