There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
