Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
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He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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