can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
