mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
