I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
