I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
