Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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