I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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