I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
