You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
