It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
