Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm really busy with my period
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