when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
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I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
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If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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