I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
