I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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