Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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