Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
