So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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