how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
