Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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