C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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