my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
