Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
