theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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